I just feel like there's so much to do! And i haven't been blogging properly at all recently! ):
I feel entirely upset at myself for wasting my elearning week by slacking and all. I also have a history project to do. F&B and Logistics plan for june camp by tonight 8pm. What else have i yet to do?

There's so much to do, and too little time.

I need to spend my time more wisely.

The realisation has hit me: I need to do better, i need to study right and put my utmost into everything. I have to, i have to, i have to. This could very well be the second last year that i'm studying. That's what my dad said, and knowing him, he's pretty serious about all this. I'm so worried now.

People don't believe me when i tell them that my Dad would say that. But what's there not to believe? If i don't get my 6 points and don't make it into a GOOD JC, he will stop me from furthering my studies. Someone was telling me i can go to poly, but my dad doesn't want me to. He wants me to go JC and that's final. It'll be a totally different story if i do earn those 6 points and decide to go to poly. I'm sure of it.

Right now, i just feel like such a mess. In youth group today, everyone was like "oh i failed one subject","i failed 3 subjects", " i did badly for everything". Whereas i just sat there in silence and scorned every single one of their remarks in my head. Here is a girl who HAS TO get 6 points or it'll be the end of her studies. She has failed all her amath test except one, all her biology test except one, not a single of her chinese tests have a pass mark, she failed most of her emath tests, all of her literature tests, and barely passes history and social studies. Now tell me. WHO IS THE ONE DOING BADLY HERE? Besides that, i'm suppose to be smart and hardworking and i am suppose to get at least a 75% for each test. I don't know what's happening to me and i'm just so fed up. Fed up of trying to meet EVERYONE'S expectations, and LETTING EVERYONE DOWN when i don't. I just want to do well for myself. Its not about what anyone wants of me anymore. But i feel so stressed and alone. Its like no one really can help me when i don't understand anything. Sometimes i just feel like such a failure.

Korkor's the best. He complains that I have so many friends compared to him. How many of these friends will be there when i really need them?
The only two people i fully trust with EVERYTHING are korkor and kim. And at times, just korkor. It's so ironic, don't you think? Korkor has a friend count of at least 20 while mine is way above 100 and here i am, unable to fully put my trust in someone whereas korkor has at least 3/4 people he can trust.

I need to stop being someone i'm not. I need to stop pretending to be someone else. I need to be real, be myself and stop living in denial.
(i can't do it.)

The hardest part of being yourself is knowing that someone's still gonna judge you and you'll probably be less liked than you are now. It really is such a horrid thing reality is. I don't want to lie anymore, i don't. I just want to be honest, with myself, at least.

You know what i want to do now? I just want to go to church again, i feel peaceful there, i don't know why. I just want to go there, and pray. Or maybe i'll just stay home and pray. I think i'll pray later tonight. I need to pray, badly.
But first, i must finish my tasks, and complete them all by sundown.

I need to change my mindset and my attitude.
Korkor, please help me.♥