You know when your parents don't care, you get the worst feeling ever.
My father even went one step further to remind me that i'm "shit".
Thanks.

I don't know how to love other people.
I don't know how to love myself.

When you see me, i'll look perfectly fine to you, just like any other girl.
Don't judge a girl by the way she looks.

I look fine, i look alright, i look okay.
I'm not.

Well anyway, my parents have already made their stand that they don't care about me.
The scars are imminent, they'll last forever.

My forearm has lines, they're bleeding, and i can't stop the blood from flowing.

See, i sound like a psychomaniac now.
I really think i'm schizophrenic.
My dad scolded me for breaking his glass just now.
I just smirked at the glass shards on the floor.

My arm won't stop bleeding.
Sure, i've calmed down now.
I'll wait for tomorrow, and i'll just wake up, look at the lines, and feel absolutely stupid.

I'm tired of not being cared about. I mean, i know i have friends who care about me, but when it comes from your parents, it just hits you so much harder. I was gonna say it "really hits home". What a pun on the word "home", don't you think.

Don't ever question my inability to love other people.
Don't.
I'm so sick and tired of always being last in this family.

I'm so jealous of my sisters and of my brother.
I'm jealous of kimberly.
I'm jealous of grace.
I'm jealous of everyone around me who seems like they don't have to go around feeling the way i do.
I'm jealous because i know that they have other people who care for them when sometimes i feel like i don't.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to love myself.
I don't know why.

I don't know why i keep slashing when i know it won't make things better,
i just do it anyway.

And now,
this is the part where you JUDGE ME, and call me a weirdo.
No, you don't have to worry about me committing suicide, i won't.
I don't have the guts to stand at the side of a building, and force myself over the edge.

Sure, i'm gonna ride out from all the shit and hurt, and i will emerge stronger than ever. I'm gonna be resilient about this.

But right now, at this very moment,
it really hurts.

I've spent the whole day crying. Not consistantly, of course.
More like...in spurts.
I'd just start crying, and then, i'd stop, and maybe half an hour later, i'd start again.
My eyes are all puffy now, and i feel terrible.

But anyway, that's all i wanted to say.

And Kimberly, i'm sorry that i'm so darn schizo and you always have to deal with my stupid moodswings. You're seriously the bestest friend ever, and i'm really sorry about all of this.
I hope you know that you can always excuse yourself from this friendship if you ever find it getting very taxing. I will never blame you.

And my hand really hurts now. Damn you, antiseptic alcohol...