i can't stop thinking about you.

i was fighting for it.
It came, then it left.
I think i'm still fighting.
But it seems like a losing battle.

You have no idea, how much, it hurts.

I know it's ironic.
I go around saying : f(iretr)uck the world!
But inside sometimes, i don't really think firetrucks help anymore.

I'm so torn up inside that everytime i see his face,
i don't know whether i want to cry,
or scream,
or shout,
or curse,
or laugh and remember,
or just cry harder.

The memories, there are just so many of them,
both good and the bad,
and just being there, it brought back so much,
and like, it's so upsetting to know that,
this probably will never work again.

My heart is so fixed on this same thing.
Fighting for this love.

Because i'm the imperfect girl,
and no, i don't get the boy.
And it's okay, it really is,
but still,
i just wanna break down and cry.


It's only normal really.


You have no idea, how much it hurts.

Im the kind of girl, who will draw a heart shape wherever applicable.
Like at the end of sentences, i just like to.
I don't know why.

Here's one for you: ♥

my ego disappeared.

seriously.
why is it that when you see my pic you say "Ew" ?
and then after that i say i feel insulted and that like "im sorry im not pretty"
and you can say "no, your pretty :) and cute :) im sorry..."
Are you freaking shitting me? (say it with a british accent)

Please stop being so hypocritical, it's killing my ego.
It's killing my esteem.
It's killing ME.

You didn't even sound like you were joking the first time.
I doubt you were.
It's scary you know... being me sometimes.
I think people don't understand that.

I have insecurities because im human.
Please, don't push me to the edge.

And fuck, be nice to my friend.
Don't ask her stuff only because its your last resort.
She's not stupid, geez.
She knows, and she's hurt, and she freaking liked you in the first place.

Sometimes, i seriously think you deserve to be called a bastard.
Then again, your my good friend.
It's hard okay.

For now anyway,
i've got no ego.
Fuck it.

Seriously, what's with everybody.
I come home from my outing with Kim & Holmberg -which was fab, by the way ^^ - and every single person in my house, excluding my second sister tells me that my cousin baked her own birthday cake.
I mean, of course i think it's great that she did.
But seriously, do i look like i care? It's not like i ate the cake, it's not like i was there.
And stop repeating that statement!!
Why's it so amazing to bake your own birthday cake?
I'll teach all of you'll how to bake, and then you can go bake your own birthday cakes too!! (:

im not in a good mood.
I'd rather have my parents around than my grandparents.
I mean, i love them to bits and all, but seriously, they are way more naggy and annoying.

OH YEAH.
my grandma told me a story of how some girl who lives on the fifth floor in my aunts block, climbed out of her room window and tried to make it down to the ground floor because she wanted to go out and her father locked her in her room. She's in JC2 supposedly.
My uncle called the police on her and stuff.
I think she's stupid. She could have died if her foot slip. Just one little mistake, and there goes either: 1) her life, or 2) one or a few of her bones *crack*

I felt that someone who's stupidity was of this caliber, should be taken out of school. She obviously doesn't deserve to be in JC when she could just spend her life climbing walls as if she's spidergirl or something. Seriously, how much more stupid can you get.
I mean, obviously she can climb down from her floor (the fifth) to maybe the second floor, but... did she not realise that from the second floor to the ground floor, the drop is at least 6 metres?
Was she gonna jump 6 metres? She would most likely have internal intestinal damage, AND, she has a high chance of fracturing something.

Actually, i don't have the right to judge her, but my opinion, is that it was a stupid thing to do.
A VERY stupid thing, mind you. She may have personal reasons for sneaking out, maybe mistreatement from her father? I'm not sure. That's not my problem. But really, sneaking out, trying to climb down the wall. My dear, your no spidergirl, just stick to scaling stairs, please. Sheesh.

PS. she had a deep gash on her shin, and a cut on her forearm when she was "let into" my uncle's house which is on the fourth floor. Crazy.

im like totally confused.
i don't know which part of me being a friend of someone do i always fail at.
ALWAYS.
gosh ):

its like terrible.
and i cant blame anyone but myself.

its like, im there, i laugh.
next second, my mind drifts off.
next second, i feel like im faking it all again.
next second, i don't think i belong.

its all so contradictory??
i don't know.
i feel so...left out?

i feel as if ive been a bad friend or something.
i don't know.

constant internal struggle to help yourself out, to be yourself, and to believe that it'll be okay.
i can't forget all the judgemental statements i've heard before. it was mean, and i frankly didn't like it.
i keep telling myself: Just be yourself, and f(iretr)uck the world.
but then i think about it, and i remember, it really isn't all that easy sometimes.

you just gotta keep trying.
maybe there'll be a firework..

They tell you to be yourself, and yet the judge you.
So, just f(iretr)uck the world and be true to yourself.
Don't give a shit what others think.
It's not worth your time worrying.

Omg, stop being so fcking nice to my best friend.
Like seriously, you've never even talked to her before, ass.
Don't suddenly fake all this bullshit, like seriously.
Its just odd, and AWKWARD.
Why, you angry cos i'm suddenly friends with your good friend?
ho hum, i was bullying him that day you werent around and the rest were.
Your loss, loser.
:>

Jeremy will say that i'm jealous and paranoid.
I KNOW THAT IM PARANOID, I CANT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

I just watched the wheelchair + wicked episode of GLEE!
It was part of season 1 (:

Tina & Artie are hilarious!

Tina: So, how did that happen?
Artie: My mom and i were in a car accident. She was fine, but i...wasn't.
Tina: *nods head* okay.
Artie: But my penis still works
Tina: O_O *rolls wheechair away*

Omg so funny :D

edward treated me to Koi (:
TEEHEE <3

haha.
Thursday morning decorating church was fun with Kim, Dom, Damien, Timothy, and er Ratnam who came SUPER LATE.
Everything that happened was so spastic, and im lazy to write it down (:
But basically, we had to cut up fabric and i took scotch tape and put it on Dom,Damien and Timothy's arms, then stripped it off, haha. (Sadistic! ^^)
Damien found it really painful :>
Timothy kept running away, and Dom had no reaction ;p
Timothy didn't have a reaction when we finally did strip it off of his arm though :/

Tied extra strips of fabric around timothy & damien's arms.
They looked so gayyyyyy :D

Tied a gold ribbon in tim's hair :D
THANKS DAMIEN FOR THE IDEA!!! <3
haah (:

What a spastic morning!

Oh!! Especially when Tim did the emo video and i passed him a scissors.
His face immediately became ":O"
HAHA.
Dom has the vid though :S
Ohwell (:

Fun days behind, time to get started with mental psych-ing that im sec4 next year.
DAYUM :>

Labels: church

"im so glad i don't have twitter"
-the almighty spastic edward-the-vampire

i. hate. you.
and yes, i'm fucking jealous right now.
why, oh why is there this feeling called envy ):

NEVER BEEN SO WORKED UP, IN MY 3 YEARS OF LIFE.
no wait, i have... last year august/september.


i.am.miffed.

i've been the worst best friend ever, to kimberly.
THE WORST. like seriously WORST.
ah, wtf ):
i feel so bad.
i shouldn't have acted that way, or like got close at all.
ugh, sorry kim...
so, so sorry...

WHAT A BLIMY STUPID QUESTION!?
firstly, i call it slashing (as in wrist slashing, not the er, other kind...) and YOU, bastard, are the one who made me promise to stop slashing.
WHY, are you talking about emo-ing on twitter.
And it's so bloody omfg because kimberly has to be the one to persuade you not to.
Like you're so smart as to use what.. scissors? a penknife?
GOD, SAVE MY SOUL.
You're such a screwed up bastard.
"I've broken my heart too many times to keep track"
I'm gonna shove those broken pieces up your arse soon if you don't shut it.
WTMOTHERDUCK. (the phrase is courtesy of wc)
seriously la, omiiiigoshhhh.
and the contrast between mental and physical pain, is MY BULLSHIT, not yours!
Don't steal.

Eh shit, i really wanna bash your face in, kay.
Like especially when i saw you today.
You are so freaking fucked up i just wanna hit you in the -unnameable place-.
ARGH!

You know what;
i honestly hope that you self mutilate,
and realise the difference between mental and physical pain.
SHEESH.
im so annoyed right now.
Seriously, MOTHERDUCK MOTHERDUCK MOTHERHEN AND CHICKENFEET.
i'm gonna get you back for all this, one day.
just you wait and see...


i love you baby.
but its not worth it anymore.

i'm rebellious, haha.
THANK YOU EDWARD FOR FORCING ME OUT OF MY HOUSE TO WALK AROUND ORCHARD ROAD UNTIL MY FEET BLOODY DIED.
THANKS A LOT.
*no sarcasm intended (:*
Kimberly, you're the bestest girl friend evaaaaa, i love you maxx (:
Thanks for going with me, and spastic boy (:

Harry Potter 7 was torturous to sit through.
I mean, it's a good movie and all, but i practically wanted to duck at every single scary part, scream at every single freaky part, and cry when dobby died.
Oops, what a spoiler :S
So action packed and crazy, everybody should go watch!!
But, it feels anti-climatic, because it's only part 1! :o
Oh well...

I met 2 people near to midnight/early morning.
and we just innocently sat at the playground and talked.
two different days.
back-to-back.
AM I A REBEL OR WHAT? :D

i should lie to people and say that i slept with two guys.
Hahaha. Joke.

i have good friends, life is good.

& my dear friend, i really couldn't care less bout you anymore.
Thanks for staying while you did, but fuck you, because i don't care anymore, kthxbye.
"I see you driving round town with the guy i love and i'm like, forget youuu~ Oo, oo, oo" - Gwyneth Paltrow

You should bloody stop egoing,
because frankly, no one else things you look like Mccartney,
and for a fact:
He's PRETTY gay.

You're not a cute boy,
and i know i'm not a pretty girl.
Don't rub it in bastard, DON'T.
Thanks.
I'm going to eat ice cream now. (:

i see you driving round town with the guy i love, and i'm like, forget youuu!
-Gwyneth Paltrow ♥

THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL SO AWKWARD.
I LOVEYOU MAX BABY (:
hahah bullshit i tell you, BULL. SHIT.
:D


"Haha wan call isit ? (:"
"Not now :)"
"Whaiiiiiiiiii"
"Because im fat"
"Nt gd reason"
"Hahaha, i using com dear"
"Ok dear"
"Thanks dear :)"
"Call you later kay dear (:"
"Okay dear, okay, this is freaking the balls out of me. Ewwwwww"
"Haha why lol you got balls?"
"-.- stop it dear, you scary"
"Why am i scary dear?"
"I dont know, stop calling me dear, dear"
"You stop calling me 'dear' too, dear."
"Okay :) Phew finally"
"Haha what a bastard you are!"
"Thanks baby :)"
"Your welcome darling"
"Shit lets not start this again sweetheart"
"Start what, dear? :o"
"Ah nvm baby girl"
"Alright dear (:"

i swear, one day im gonna kick those balls of yours.
BASTARD! ♥
:>

Labels: church

at least now i know what all this meant to you.
i love you, motherfcker. (:

i've gotta feeling that im about to abandon my blog again.
xanga? or wordpress?
xanga sounds good for some reason.
but blogger is linked with all my other accts! :o
hm :S
CANT DECIDE. oh dear...

& no, i don'tget the hints.
sorry, no no no.
i don't get them.
tell the truth, or imma send people to screw you for it.
kthxbye

im being a paranoid lil bitch nowzzzz (:
and heck it's midnight i want to go to the PLAYGROUND!!
i would gladly sneak out of thehouse, but hoho, mommy suddenly woke up.
so im gonna make the video till im happyy.
haha (:

ps. i love the way you lie

this week has been both good & bad.

Labels: church

here's some nice songs that i really enjoy at the moment: