even if only for a day: SIGH!~ (:

i hate everyone in the world who is worth more than me.
i hate them i hate them i hate them
)':

i quit.

MY EXAMS ARE FUCKING TOMORROW AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY and then maybe at the end, i'll die.

I'm so scared now.
I want my A1 or A2 so badly, but i look at myself,
and i look at all the people around me trying just as hard, if not harder.
And inside i know,
that i'm just going to let everyone else down again.
It's almost like there's no way i cannot Not let them down.

And thanks to Edward,
i also feel very discouraged now.

I'm prepared to fail.
I'm prepared to do utterly horribly.

I'm also probably having some kind of internal hormonal surge, as well as having imminent bipolar disorder now.

i cannot forget the day i turned sixteen.
it's like i've never gotten over it.

So many people just seeming to be your friend,
when in reality,
more than half of them probably don't really care that you're dead or alive.

Anybody can claim to care about you,
but in truth no one really does "love you".

i'm just wondering really.
my two really good friends birthdays are coming, should i reciprocate the love, or really try to make it meaningful for them.

i can't decide.




fuck growing up.

Warning: Book Spoiler Alert, and i'm also in one of my angsty moods today.

Yes, I read Dear John by Nicholas Sparks, and you know what?
I didn't like it.

Surprise surprise, from the girl who's a sucker for romance novels.

Really though.
I didn't like the cliches in the story, not at all.
Here's a few of them:
#1. John and Savannah broke up because John was re-posted overseas and Savannah gave up waiting.
#2. Savannah married Tim. (That is SOOOO shocking.)
#3. John sold his father's coin collection so that Savannah would have enough money to send Tim to a better place for treatment, and he remained an anonymous donor.

Talk about chivalry being dead, pffft. Apparently, there was too much of it in the book!

Tim loved Savannah, but didn't show it because he knew she loved John.
Then when Savannah finally DID marry Tim, and Tim and John had some long talk in the hospital ward, John decided that he loved Savannah too much to watch her suffer over Tim's possible uncurable cancer, and so he helped her out.

John ends up being:
#1. The protagonist
#2. The guy who ends with nothing but his still imminent love for Savannah
#3. The guy who never got the girl

WHAT IS THIS!?!

And Savannah you whore! You slept with John even when you weren't married to him!!
I bet you didn't tell Tim that you were no longer a virgin!

ARGH.

Really really hated how the story panned out. It's just so frustrating.
I pity John. Really.

And i feel like the story was ruined once Nicholas Sparks decided to write about John and Savannah having sex.
LIKE REALLY, DOES IT NEED THAT?

Why is it when people write romance novels, the couples always end up having sex?
Okay, i guess it wasn't too bad because at least in Dear John, they didn't write in any detail and just used the words "made love", but really.
Can't the couple just love each other, and can't the story just progress without the sex involved?

I don't think the storyline would have changed much if he had omitted those 2 paragraphs on them making love.

I'm annoyed.

And also, i spent 4 hours reading finish that book today when i should've been re-revising my chinese stuff.

And again, i went onto the computer, entered a barrage of tweets into the computer that no one wants to read about, wrote some sort of hypocritically cynical status on facebook, and am now ranting on my blog again.

I'm so tired of this.
Shall just stick to my phone from now on.





No, i don't miss him anymore.
He can gdibbfbh.

It's been almost a month since we talked.

So yes, now i'm 16.

Labels: 4gy, church, levelmates♥

She came to my room and knocked on my door.

less twitter.

Had a blast with my bbys today! (:

Labels: 4gy

i hope you're smiling now (:

Labels: tumblr

Today we celebrate Roger Hargreaves' Birthday!!

Saw the immediate family during lunch today!
Kongkong, mama, my aunts and uncles, and my cousins! (:
It's been really long since we've all met up for lunch.
It started getting awkward, when they started mentioning my YouTube video.
Really...
Everyone said it was "good" and all the comments were positive, but it was really unusual.
I was not at ease.

I mean, to know that Temasek Reviews had linked it was...i guess in a sense, cool.
But to have my whole family watch it just seems...a little weird.
Guess this means i can't post YouTube videos now, can i?

Sigh.
So awkward..

i'm okay again now.

and i've said it once, i can say it again.
This is one promise, i may never keep.

I'm sorry.

You know when your parents don't care, you get the worst feeling ever.
My father even went one step further to remind me that i'm "shit".
Thanks.

I don't know how to love other people.
I don't know how to love myself.

When you see me, i'll look perfectly fine to you, just like any other girl.
Don't judge a girl by the way she looks.

I look fine, i look alright, i look okay.
I'm not.

Well anyway, my parents have already made their stand that they don't care about me.
The scars are imminent, they'll last forever.

My forearm has lines, they're bleeding, and i can't stop the blood from flowing.

See, i sound like a psychomaniac now.
I really think i'm schizophrenic.
My dad scolded me for breaking his glass just now.
I just smirked at the glass shards on the floor.

My arm won't stop bleeding.
Sure, i've calmed down now.
I'll wait for tomorrow, and i'll just wake up, look at the lines, and feel absolutely stupid.

I'm tired of not being cared about. I mean, i know i have friends who care about me, but when it comes from your parents, it just hits you so much harder. I was gonna say it "really hits home". What a pun on the word "home", don't you think.

Don't ever question my inability to love other people.
Don't.
I'm so sick and tired of always being last in this family.

I'm so jealous of my sisters and of my brother.
I'm jealous of kimberly.
I'm jealous of grace.
I'm jealous of everyone around me who seems like they don't have to go around feeling the way i do.
I'm jealous because i know that they have other people who care for them when sometimes i feel like i don't.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to love myself.
I don't know why.

I don't know why i keep slashing when i know it won't make things better,
i just do it anyway.

And now,
this is the part where you JUDGE ME, and call me a weirdo.
No, you don't have to worry about me committing suicide, i won't.
I don't have the guts to stand at the side of a building, and force myself over the edge.

Sure, i'm gonna ride out from all the shit and hurt, and i will emerge stronger than ever. I'm gonna be resilient about this.

But right now, at this very moment,
it really hurts.

I've spent the whole day crying. Not consistantly, of course.
More like...in spurts.
I'd just start crying, and then, i'd stop, and maybe half an hour later, i'd start again.
My eyes are all puffy now, and i feel terrible.

But anyway, that's all i wanted to say.

And Kimberly, i'm sorry that i'm so darn schizo and you always have to deal with my stupid moodswings. You're seriously the bestest friend ever, and i'm really sorry about all of this.
I hope you know that you can always excuse yourself from this friendship if you ever find it getting very taxing. I will never blame you.

And my hand really hurts now. Damn you, antiseptic alcohol...

You know what i wish?
I wish i was still a one month old baby, or well, i wish i could go back to any time when i was a baby, and i didn't have to show emotions that i didn't feel like showing. I could cry when i want to, i could scream when i want to, i could smile when i want to, and i could laugh when i want to.

I can't do that now, can i?



No, i can't.

Because i'm a 16 year old girl, i'm suppose to be mature, and i must learn to take control of my emotions.

I think it's just me, but i'm sooo angry about my parents' point of view.
Seriously.
I don't care if you think i'm being petty, because this matters to me.

Just because i'm going for tuition, they decide to bring all my siblings out for lunch at this really expensive restaurant, and they don't even tell me. I really want to go too.
And the other time, my father even mentioned that he would bring us when we were ALL around, which would be 2 weeks from now.
BUT NO, he decided to bring them there TODAY, and they didn't tell me.

His reasoning is because i have tuition.
What kind of lousy reason is that.
I feel so discriminated against in this family, really.
He blamed my ignorance of this event on my absence during their "family meetings" in his room.

EXCUSE ME.

I have a major exam called the "O LEVELS", maybe you've heard of it?
It's in 167 days time, and i have lots of homework to finish.
OF COURSE i'd be in my room finishing up other school papers and studying for my upcoming tests. What did you think i was doing?

And yes, i threw a freaking tantrum/fit when i heard them say they're going out for lunch.

I cancelled tuition already.

I'm not in the right state of mind anyway. I won't absorb anything even if i go for tuition now.

But i'm still angry with my parents.
My father threatened two things at me because he said my anger of their decision was unreasonable:
1) He took my bag and wallet and threw it out of the door. Then he shouted at me to get out of the house.
2) He threatened to video my tantrum and put it up on youtube next to my other videos.

Firstly, my YouTube videos were always based on my personal views. I only put it up there because it was the most convenient way for myself to express my opinions. I usually only expect my friends to see it, and on the off-chance that someone else would chance across it, maybe they'd agree with me too.

Secondly, it's entirely UNFAIR of him to threaten me with such a thing. I'm actually never posting a video to that YouTube account ever again because i don't need throngs of people to tell me that :
a) i sound like a bimbo
b) i'm a bitch
c) i should just shut up and strip. (WTF MAN WTF)
d) i'm a hypocrite.
Really. No one asked YOU to agree with my views. It's called YOUtube, not PleaseCommentWithHateOnMyVideos-tube. If you don't want to agree with me, that's fine. Just leave my video alone! Geez, is it really that hard?

Well back to the point.
So i'm really angry with my parents now.
I STUDY, you not happy.
I DON'T STUDY, you still not happy.
I'm not even like my sister, i don't BUG MY MOTHER for material goods or branded goods.
I got full marks for my emath test recently, it's a big deal to me. I've never gotten full marks in any maths paper for the last 6/7 years. But my dad just looked at it, and went "okay".
WHEN I DONT DO WELL, i get scolded.
WHEN I DO WELL, they have no reaction.

I already feel so ostracized at home, and in school, in church.
I'm sorry, i'll never be the "popular" kid.
But i'm just trying to be nice when i can.
AND YES, i'm angsty, but look at this.

My parents seem to care less about me than they do to my siblings.

It really really hurts.
I don't know if anyone understands that, but seriously, it hurts.
I can just sit in my room and cry for hours over things like this.

You don't realise it, because you're not me.
You think i'm being petty because it's a small matter. But really, it's not just this one thing. There were so many other times. It all just builds up.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST PART IS??
I don't even hate my family. I still carry on loving them.
I feel less loved, (i was gonna write unloved, but that's untrue..), and i feel discriminated against.

My dad actually commented that the reason we can't go next week is because i'm not free, so he thus decided to bring my family (minus me) this week.

I HAVE YLs NEXT WEEK.
IS IT MY FAULT THAT I HAVE YLs ?!

You'll are both in RCIA and you're never home on thursday nights until late.
Just because i have YLs on sunday, you want to blame me?
Excuse me, but is it wrong for me to want to be MORE INVOLVED in church activities?

I'm really miffed now.
I'm really hurt now.
And all i really want to do is cry.

You wonder why i'm such a hateful person.
This is why. I don't even know how to trust my own family sometimes.
I feel so hurt by so many people, and you expect me to put a SMILE on my face?

It's true though, how all this makes me more resilient.
Yeah, of course i can grin and bear it, but inside, it's just eating away at my soul.
Have you not READ all my angsty twitter tweets?
Have you not READ all my cynical facebook statuses?
Are you not READING this lengthy and angsty blogpost of mine?

I'm tired.
When you see me tomorrow, or the day after, or even a month later, i'll still be smiling.
But really, inside i'm just breaking.

Well, i don't know how many people know this, but it's been about 28-30 hours since i uploaded my YouTube video on "MY VIEW on the elections", and it has garnered 235 likes on facebook, thanks to Temasek Reviews linking of my video, and 3000 views on YouTube.

You can view the linke from Temasek Reviews here:
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/fbx/?set=a.2014716414690.2124665.1447221147#!/permalink.php?story_fbid=170484469672366&id=190806675782

I just want to clarify, that i didn't post this video to gain publicity.
I posted it solely to express my views.
I'm just really surprised at the viewership. How it jumped so high in a mere 28-30hours.

If you ask me if i wanted such publicity, no.
I didn't really want it.
But, i don't think i can do anything about it now.

My parents have assure me that i'm not in trouble.. that's good, but still.
It's such an awkward feeling..

Labels: ge2011, youtube

i don't know what to feel,

Yes, new vlogs. HAHA. Both done today. Have fun watching 'em ! (:

Labels: ge2011, vlogs, youtube

I HOPE FLATWORM SEES THIS! (Though i know he most likely won't..)

Labels: twitter

See, i'm angry again.